Many college students would claim that to be true, but it has been a luxury for as long as I can remember.  For various reasons (some known to me, and many not) I have never been able to sleep well.  I can remember growing up and getting more than adequate rest, but never keeping normal hours.  I would lay in my bed for hours before falling asleep and I can always remember waking super early.  Some of it is due to reoccurring nightmares that I had for a long time – other aspects are sin struggles that I had through high school.  Regardless of the reason, I have never been one to rest deeply through a whole night.  I can count on one hand the nights I’ve slept for 6 straight, solid, dreamless hours.  I believe I am constantly in REM and I have a knack (albeit annoying most nights) for lucid dreaming.  I wake frequently through the night and I rarely have that “refreshed from a good night sleep” feeling when I first open my eyes.  In fact, as soon as I wake I am instantly irritated with myself for not accomplishing such an essential task for survival.  (my apologies if I have ever snapped at you out of irritation!)  I am actually considering doing a sleep study after I graduate to see if there is any diagnosis (like insomnia or sleep apnea, or just plain insanity!) for what I have.

So why discuss the woes of my sleeping habits?  It’s certainly not to complain.  Though I do not consider myself a ‘normal’ sleeper by any means, God has graciously satisfied my every need and want these 22 years of my life.  There has always been a joy in my spirit from my Loving Father whether or not I have had 8 hours of sleep – a daily miracle to be sure In fact, over the past 4 years of college, God has ever-patiently reached down into the depths of my bleak heart and pulled out piece by piece of paralyzing sin – and much of that has given me the best sleep that I’ve ever had.  It’s no 6 hours of solid rest, but it’s definitely better than it used to be.

With improved sleeping, my ‘bad nights’ are all the more noticeable.  A ‘bad night’ for me is perhaps one hour of solid rest – the rest is tossing and turning accompanied by hours of frustrated staring/praying, intermingled with a few nightmares.  I am aware that Satan has had quite a grip on my sleep-life over the years, so I know that when those bad nights come, something is off in my life.  Whether it is my own neglect, something in my spirit that is bothering me, or simply an attack from the Evil One, I take it as a hint to take stock and figure out what’s up.

SO this last week, I had quite a few bad nights in a row – a sure-fire sign that my life was not as it should be.  I went to Colorado this weekend on a whirlwind roadtrip with friends (which was spectacular!) for Grad school stuff (for my friend, not me) and I took this as a chance to examine my heart and inquire of the Lord what He was trying to teach me.

Firstly, I have not been as consistent or thorough in my time with the Lord by any means.  Being at Northwestern means that I am in a spiritual greenhouse, so I take my intentional time with the Lord for granted some days.  I use my busyness as an excuse for neglect or laziness.  That has needed to stop for an entire semester – and I think this past month I have not used my time wisely.  Also, I have been reminded of how significant of an impact journaling has on my person.  I grew up writing in a diary, but it was usually ridiculous confessions of who I liked, awkward attempts to draw, and nosy observations about life. As I grew, my ‘diary’ became a journal for my musings, and as I matured in my faith, my journal became a huge link I had with God as I would be intentional with my prayers in it. God designed me to be introverted and to process internally – but one of the most valuable ways I can analyze my thoughts/life is through journaling. It lets me figure things out and then see God’s hand in my life too. Well, I’ve been seriously neglecting this outlet in my life, which I think has contributed to a lot of overwhelmed feelings/days I’ve had this year. Whether it’s relationships, schoolwork, work work, family stuff, etc…. I have not been processing things as I should.

In addition to my poor fellowship with Jesus, both in spiritual disciplines and in journaling, I have been spending much of my waking (and sleep attempting) hours worrying.  Mostly about the future (do I spend a year or two just working/maybe in TX?  or do I stay in MN and do grad school?  or something entirely different?) and my finances.  I have incurred a decent amount of debt at NWC, and the number seems to grow the more I think about it and paying it back.  It doesn’t help to have individuals in my life questioning me and my life decisions.  They mean well, and I love them for that, but it is truthfully discouraging.  I have felt lately that my decision to be at NWC for  years was foolish based on the debt I have and current career goal of getting my Masters in Special Education.  And let me tell you, it is positively paralyzing to think that the past four years of your life have been for naught.

SO with my finances and spiritual condition being all crazy, it’s no wonder that I haven’t been sleeping well.  This has been a long time coming.  It first came right before Spring Break when our sermon in church was on anxiety from Philippians 4:6-7. There were a lot of points that resonated with me, but one of the biggest was worldly peace vs. God’s peace. Worldly peace is circumstantial – if all of your finances, relationships, etc are fine, then you are at peace. God’s peace transcends understanding and is all encompassing at all times. This year I have been striving to feel worldly peace, forgetting about God’s peace. It makes me feel ashamed, when I really think about it. It is a huge slap in the face as I examine my lack of trust in God in most areas of my life this year. I’ve gone back to the “christine can do anything cause, well, she’s christine swanson” mentality that always gets me into trouble. My hubris has shot up like a beanstalk, and Springtime means pruning.

More recently, God has whispered some sweet and penetrating words right to my soul via my boyfriend, my friends, and my big brother.  I am so incredibly blessed for all those in my life who love and support me, but as of late, they have been Jesus to my troubled spirit.  Through them the Lord has reminded me that He is so very in control and all should be well with my soul.  He has also rebuked me with tender insistence - for which I am so grateful.

Isn’t it amazing how much we think we (or at least I do) have it all together? And God’s just chillin in heaven shaking His head, maybe even belly-laughing, and waiting for you to recognize your foolishness and return to Him. I hope that God will (again) remind me of His perfect peace and give me the strength to do some heart-cleaning this Spring.  And as Graduation is officially 45 days away, I hope that He will give me deep satisfaction in Him and His will – whether or not I am aware of what that is

Despite our love/hate (mostly hate if the sun is involved) relationship, gazing into the ocean (both night and day, though preferably night), always causes me to reflect and wonder.  Our God, who is so infinite and mighty, the God who created the ocean and all its intricacies and creatures – a practical ecosystem to itself! – is also intimately connected to me and my life.  He chose before the foundation of the earth to knit me together in my mother’s womb and call me to a life searching for intimacy with Him, the Creator of the universe.  And this same God who has rescued me from my sinful and selfish nature by sending His only Son to atone for my sins – He has my past, present, and future in the palm of His hands.  He knows my story intimately - better than I do.  And He has a perfect plan for my future.  I am so excited to see what God has in store for me!!!!!!

In 76 days I will be (Lord willing!) a graduate of Northwestern College.  I will have a Bachelor of Arts in History, and a minor in Bible – but much more than that I have 4 years of immense growth (spiritually, academically, relationally, and physically) and spectacular memories.  I have been blessed with amazing friends, family, professors, supervisors, churches, (more recently) a boyfriend, and relatives that have aided me on this journey God sent me on.  Who would have ever thought that I would be so close to closing this wonderful chapter in my life?  I sure didn’t expect it to come so soon.  In fact, after my freshman year was so fantastic and passed too quickly, I think I was secretly dreading this moment.  So much of my maturing and life challenges have happened here.  I have walked the closest with the Lord on these grounds, and equally the farthest.  I feel like Bilbo, at times, since I’ve been here and back again – facing challenges blinding on my own, only to fall flat on my face (where I belong) and return to my knees only to be graciously held by our Savior and receive wave after wave of grace and forgiveness.  It is hear I have been blessed with a heart for holiness as I continue to be sanctified and humbled daily.  I will miss this.

It’s the turning of the tide, and I see it fast approaching.  But with that turning, there is an ocean of possibility before me and I have but to dive in, hand-in-hand with my Savior, and He’ll navigate.  There’s no fear in my heart – just a mixture of grief and anticipation.  My childhood will finally be put to rest and the life I have lived for so long (among hundreds of peers who have all been pursuing education for 22 years) will become drastically different – and for that I’ll grieve.  It will no longer be so ‘easy’ to hang out with friends.  I won’t be saturated with such genuine fellowship, making a greenhouse affect of spiritual growth.  But God’s plan is always so much better than mine, and I cannot wait to see what He has in store.

Yes, I have my mind and heart set right now on getting my Masters in Special Education at Bethel right now (whether long-distance for a year while in TX working, or jumping right into the program) – but I am gazing up towards heaven with my plan tentatively in my open hands, asking “Here, Lord.  This is my heart’s desire and mind’s plan – is it your will, and your best for me?  Take it, it’s yours!”

We shall see

How to summarize what has happened….

Lake Johanna

Nazareth Hall

I am a few months into my senior year here at Northwestern (yikes!) and I’m not so sure that I am ready to be done.  Graduating will mean a new and exciting path for God to lead me on, but there is something about comfort and familiarity that keeps me more sad at the thought of moving on than ready.  The intentional fellowship and strong Christian council in the people that surround me here are going to be hard to find ‘on the other side’ – but I have faith that God will provide different ways to keep me growing in Him.  It has been such a blessing to be at a school where I have grown SO much in so many aspects of life: academics, work, leadership, relationally, and most importantly, with the Lord.  I may never see a lot of these really close friends again this side of heaven, but I am so grateful for the time that we have been given.  Even though I’m sad about leaving, I am certainly trying to live it up while I can!  Though two jobs, 16 credits [not easy ones], AND a life are hard to juggle at times….  Praise the Lord for time management and giving me the strength and ability for it all!

Also, seeing that it is my senior year, I have begun seeking and praying for God’s direction in my future after I graduate.  My first hope would be Teach for America – a program for urban/rural areas that trains teachers intentionally and puts them in schools where they are desperately needed.  It would allow me to complete a summer training institute for my teaching license and then a 2 year commitment in a school where they place me.  Not only is it a great financial option after college (with full salary, benefits, and loan assistance) but it is a great opportunity to be Christ to students around the country while discovering if teaching is something I want to do long-term.  I had my final interview for the program today, which did not go as well as I would have liked, but I am confident that if God wants me in the program He will open the right doors despite my failings, and if He does not want me in the program that His plans are far greater than mine.  I am not naive – they only accept about 11% of applicants and there were MANY qualified individuals at the interview today.  But I do serve a big and mighty God who use broken vessels for HIS glory.  I just have to figure out if that’s in TFA or not  I should no by Nov. 9th if I got in or not.

I guess another new/big/exciting thing in my  life is a change in my status.  I am, for the first time, ‘off the market’ so to speak As of June 4th, I am proud to be dating a really spectacular guy I met at Handi*camp the summer of ’09.  He’s been pursuing me for almost a year, so it was very special after much prayer and talking to both be at peace about moving forward in our relationship and begin dating.  We both don’t take dating lightly – I am only his girlfriend because I desire to discover if God has made me to be his helpmate.  Things have been quite a challenge though, as the school year has begun.  Eastern and Northwestern aren’t exactly fit for weekend visits!  But this time apart has been sweet for the both of us to spend extra intentional time with the Lord and working hard on communication.  Though the challenges of really growing are multiplied when there is little/no quality time spent in each other’s presence, I still have overwhelming peace about where we are at right now, so I will continue to walk on my path with the Lord as my guide and destination with some company for encouragement and challenging.

And what has the Lord shown me recently?  Why I’m so glad you asked  God has been so very faithful to me, despite my lack of faith back.  My summer was difficult job-wise as I learned a new position at camp and was met with a lot of failing and insecurity that I didn’t anticipate.  However, God’s always got things up His sleeve, and it really knocked me down a few pegs [like the Lord so regularly has to do in my life] and reminded me that I can do nothing apart from Christ no matter what I do.  As I’ve come back to school and yet again, been thrust into another new leadership role, I am faced with that all over again.  The Lord has been really sweet to me with a boss who is more like a mentor and a friend.  D is the definition of intentionality and any qualifications you would look for in an ideal boss.  The Lord speaks through her to my heart most times we are together in some way or another – that lady’s just got a link with the J-man that I would love to one day attain, by His grace.  God has also been convicting me in my time.  Basically a constant cycle in my life.  Most days, I work so long/hard that by the time I’m done I barely have enough energy for my hw or chatting with the boy.  My busyness has become an excuse for spiritual laziness most days.  God has GIVEN me His written WORD and I neglect it so willingly.  I daily reject His gentleman’s invitation to intimacy not only throughout my day, but at the start and end.  So, I’ve started a 90 day bible reading plan.  It’s about 16 chapters a day.  I’ll admit, I did the first four and life got crazy, but good think God loves me regardless of my track record.  It’s not His love that suffers when I neglect [praise the LORD!] but rather mine for Him.  I’m planning on getting back on track after missing a week.

All in all it’s been a pretty solid 8 months since I last wrote [i think that's how long...] School is good.  Friends are good.  Family is good [my word, i miss them terribly....].  And most importantly, God is good

My Sophomore year, there were 8 of us who had some free time after chapel every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  We decided to become more intentional with each other in our relationships and with our faith.  We were sick of the mundane conversations and wanted to get deep and raw with each other.  Thus began BCF [Broken 'Conventicle' Fellowship - ask me sometime, and I'll explain!].  BCF was such a blessing to be a part of.  Not every day was as productive as others, but we were very intentional about just getting used to being vulnerable with one another and making sure to keep God the center of our conversations.  It was an encouraging and challenging time in my life – one I am so blessed to have been a part of and seen God work in mighty way through our friends.

SO the 8 of us tentatively talked about going on a trip together [and many of us did in the Fall of '09 for a weekend to WI].  The idea for Colorado came from one of our friend Lindsay [being from the state].  Others quickly jumped on board because of the beauty and vast options for activity in Colorado.  It didn’t work out for us to go in the 08-09 school year [my Sophomore year when we started the group], so it was a possibility for the next year’s Spring Break.  And that possibility became a reality as Lindsay graciously planned the whole trip.

So ten people total went on the trip – 7 of which were original members of BCF and 3 of which were blessed additions – in two cars [a mini Van and a car] for a ten day trip.  This is a glimpse into that amazing time:

We began on Thursday March 4th at 5am [see below] and returned on Saturday March 13th [my car at 10ishpm]

Despite the 5am hour - we were excited

Not being one to sleep in the car, I was awake for most of the 14 hours there [and going anywhere on the trip...and coming 14 hours back, haha!], which was a great chance to see the beauties of God’s creation all around me – in the landscape and people I was on a journey with.  We arrived at Lindsay’s and were fed some warm food and hospitality from Lindsay’s parents – a strange combo I’d never heard of: Chili and Cinnamon Buns!!  It was new – and kind of odd – but delicious!  Apparently it’s a common farm thing, because my roomie Kirby has it too, but they were the only ones of us in the loop

We did some pretty amazing things at Lindsay’s in Galeton, CO – we played games at her dad’s elementary school gym til we couldn’t breathe [an easy feat in the high altitude - and Lindsay's dad is a PE teacher!]; played board/card/crazy games with Lindsay’s parents and laughed until our sides hurt [silent football and Settlers are the best!]; a few of use learned how to tie fly fishing flies [it was like a man's form of knitting - i loved it!]; good ole shooting some clays with a shotgun [i got 3 out of 5...]; and a surprise trip planned by Lindsay to see Le Grande Cirque – a really amazing circus/acrobat/show that blew us all away!  Needless to say, our weekend in Galeton was packed, but wonderful – and Lindsay’s parents were so gracious!

I think my favorite part of the trip was our nightly bible studies.  We each were ‘assigned’ days to lead a bible study.  It was an amazing opportunity for us to get together each night, share what God had laid on our hearts, and just be in intentional fellowship!  I was so blessed to hear more about what was going on in people’s spiritual walks, since many of us had been out of touch in comparison to our Sophomore year BCF days – and our 3 additions were so good to hear how God has been steadily molding them.  God broke me in new ways towards my friends and issues on my heart, and that is a memory I will never forget

Praise the Lord for Lindsay, Paul, Amy, Michael, Kirby, Erik, Matt, Isaac, and Grace – thanks for the adventure, memories, tears, and God-times

Here are some snapshots from our trip

So in 10 days I’m going to be 21.  The big 2-1.  Legal in every sense of the word.  And I find myself thinking – so what now?  What’s the next milestone that I’m supposed count down til?  30?  40?  50?

And then I stop to reflect [something I tend to do].  Why do we spend our lives counting down until the next big thing, while never truly being content and living in the present?  Today has hardly hit noon before we’re planning tomorrow – or maybe that’s just me…

But being mindful of the future and hoping towards tomorrow isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  I definitely believe that God knit us with future-oriented fixations and that we are always longing for something that we can never quite reach: heaven and a full and continual presence with our Abba Father.  Its just a matter of balance, I suppose.  Living in each moment with passion and reckless abandon for our Creator, while knowing full well that we won’t be complete or satisfied until we see Him in eternity – and then living with Eternity as our focus.

So, as Christians we’ve got something better to look forward to.  My question to myself, as I approach this next ‘big thing,’ is what exactly am I looking towards as I await that final journey?  As I keep waiting for Jesus and an eternity praising and experiencing Him, what I am I getting excited about while I anxiously await His return?  I definitely think that God designed us to live each moment we are blessed with to the fullest.   Here are some of the things I would love to experience before my Ultimate adventure with Jesus

[Some are old, some are new, and I hope that many will be repeated]

- Accomplishing anything on my “Bucket List” [which I'll post at the bottom]

- Catching and enjoying every sunrise/sunset I can

- Babysitting for Free

- Starting my mornings in prayer and pursuing the Presence of God that He already died to give me

- Never taking for granted conversations and moments with my Parents and Brothers, and having more of them

- Battling daily to deny myself and choose God

- Living in a foreign country for an extended period of time

- Spending more time with people older than I am, and soaking up their stories and wisdom

- Learning to be more eager to listen and pray continually, rather than talking

- To end my life clinging to the God who made me and offering all the glory to Him alone for the life He so chose to give me

And I’m sure there are more that I will think of – but my list ends here for now.  It has been so amazing to be blessed with 21 years of living [almost!] and I am so grateful that the Lord has finally taught me to stop being a Christian and start having a relationship with the Lord.  Much of what I mentioned above are goals that deal directly with the Lord, but all are things that can only be accomplished through Him and for Him.  All that I am, in every breath, is for His glory – and I need to be tangibly reminded of that often.

Here’s My “Bucket List” – some are silly, some are very serious – but all have a special meaning to me and are intended for worship, because living my life to the fullest for the Lord is just that

*Read the Pentateuch in one sitting*Eat fruit pie*Go to a Drive-in Movie*Strive to love like Jesus to all I encounter*Skydive* Build a Grandfather clock or a deck*Bungee Jump*Have 4 boys*Fly a Plane*Read all 4 Gospels in one sitting*Hunt/Get a deer*Burp*Make a Quilt*Memorize multiple Psalms and whole Scriptures*Travel to every continent*Watch the sunrise/set at the Grand Canyon, Mt. Rushmore, and from any mountaintop*Raise a Chicken*Have my Husband be the only man I’ve ever kissed*Build up my flavor tolerance*Ride a hot air balloon*Enter a contest for something I’ve never done, am bad at, or am too scared to try*Reconnect with one old friend each year*Journal once a week until I can’t*Get moderate medical training*Teach anything in a foreign country for a time*Fully read and digest every book I own*Pursue God’s Presence daily*Sleep under the stars on top of a blanket*Feed a whale or a wambat*Get my conceal and carry and own a gun*Strive to never lose sight of God’s glory and majesty, and always seek it out*Draw something I’m truly proud of*Make my own cheese

This may have been a rambling or uninteresting post – but I want to live my life as God intends, and I don’t think that means setting my bar low, because no matter how high I dream, God will always shake His head, open His hand, and say “No beloved, this is the adventure I have in store for you!”  So here’s to being legal, and letting God take my lead

I woke at 8am, rose at 10am and went to a brunch with our family friend and her daughter. I ran some errands, and finally returned home. I had brought my bible with me as I rushed out the door, planning to spend some time on my ‘busy’ schedule to reconnect with the Lord and start my day right. Didn’t really happen. Sure, I read a Psalm, but then I left my car and stepped into Walmart, spent some money, and got angry and frustrated as I forgot what Jersey traffic was like on my way back.

I got home, watched some junk on TV (and by junk i mean Animal Cops and the Real Housewives of Orange County). I got sick of the meaningless of the shows and found Hogan’s Heros and Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. It seemed more productive to watch more “me” shows. But I got bored flipping between the two, so I pulled up a Survivor episode on my laptop and surfed between the three.

Then I got fed up with myself. I can’t even be ‘content’ and ‘relaxed’ while watching THREE different TV shows. So i turned everything off and started reading my book The Three Musketeers. That was better because I felt I was learning something. But it didn’t satisfy me.

I looked at my dog, frustrated with myself, and decided a nice long walk would do us both good. I wandered around the neighborhood of my childhood and marveled at the facade. Most the houses seemed shabby and old in the wintry daylight. Without the concealment of darkness or the blanket of snow, things looked dreary. Sure, lawns were trimmed and lights put up. But without the night or snow, every house looked in disrepair.

And then I thought – such is my life. I am currently living in this dreary facade. I profess my love for Jesus and pray multiple times a day. But how much do I delight (truly delight) in Jesus? How excited am I daily to deny myself and serve only ONE master? Not very much. And most days, the master I chose is me. After all that Christ brutally endured – I reject him daily to be comfortable, happy, and pleased. Great is my sin to know such truth and daily struggle – if i even acknowledge it – to deny or obey my Lord.

And then, I went on facebook to catch up with a friend I’m planning on seeing over break. One of two real Christian friends I had in my public High School. Her info had this video, and I was confronted again with my sin.

I don’t know what exactly will happen this break, or this coming semester – but what I do know is that I need a heart/life/attitude change. I am such an expert at believing satan’s lies and staying busy/bored/content. No more. I’m sick of wondering what eternity will be like, but living like I don’t care. Heaven will be nothing but pursuing more and more of God and never getting enough, but always wanting more. I want to start that now. I have all the tools, and above all the strength and desire that God alone gives – why won’t I use them?

So that’s my prayer this break, and forever more.

To start my mornings PURSUING the presence of God that He has already died to give me.

To live my day BATTLING with myself to choose God over me.

To end my life CLINGING to the God who made me and offering ALL THE GLORY to Him alone for the life He so chose to give me.

I know it’ll suck and be hard often, but I know that when I take my last breath, like the guy in the video Nate had said, I’ll wish I had done it more.

I am continually (and forever in the future) amazed by God’s provision in the big AND small.  Some days, it’s that small stuff that makes me halt in my heels, crane my neck heavenward, and cry out praises!  God’s hand is constantly in our lives, but how often do we notice?  And how much to we miss because we are not walking in His Spirit?  If we are not in tune with God and pursuing Him, how will we notice His pursuit of us?  Especially in the mundane?  I struggle with this daily, just like everyone else.  But by God’s grace, I am able to see His blessings at times and try to appreciate all He does.

So the weather has been a huge blessing.  I so enjoy fall walks, crisp temperatures, scarves, crunchy leaves, and rosie cheeks.  But another big blessing has been through my older brother Erick.  I was trying to figure out a way to go home for Thanksgiving this year since it’s my 2nd favorite holiday and I miss my family a lot.  Our Thanksgiving tradition is wonderful, and I praise God for the fellowship it brings and the necessary reminder of the One who provides.  My big bro graciously provided the means with a plane ticket home!!  In that trip, I will also get to watch my little brother play football for the first time ever!!  He started football when he started highschool, which was when i started college.  I only visited home during the off season, so I’ve never seen him play a game.  It’s his junior year and he’s on varsity!  I’m so proud, yet sad too that I’ve missed so much of his exponential growth years.  I can’t wait to cheer him on from the stands and  proudly hug him after the game

Anticipating my trip home for Thanksgiving, I expressed to my roommate that I was afraid I’d get homesick.  Just knowing that I get some special time at home was sure to get my heart anxious.  And sure enough, I got a call from my great friend from back home saying that he and his family were flying to Minnesota for the Vikings game!  I got to spend some time with him and his family this past Saturday.  It was such a blessing to get a taste of home here in my ‘other world.’  Even though we didn’t get a lot of time, it was just what God knew I needed.

So moral of this blog?

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?  And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”   – Matthew 6:25-34

The book is the The Genesee Diary by Henri Nouwen, and it’s basically this diary of a famous priest/author/professor who at one point in his life spent 6 months in a Trappist Monastery.  It’s about his struggles with silence, God, his own motives, and much more.  Some of the things he says have really hit me hard and made me re-evaluate some things.

“…solitude becomes really hard when you realize that nobody is thinking about you anymore.  Then some place for God might become available in your occupied mind and heart.”  Wow.  How much of my life is directly due to my desire for attention?  In all seriousness?  Basically most of it.  To get the attention of my parents or peers.  The attention of that cute guy.  The attention of the person standing next to me in worship.  The attention of my roommate.  Even attention/appreciation that I feel I can earn from God.  I am selfish to the core.  And the worst part is, I am utterly undeserving of my selfishness.  I need to make the decision moment by moment to deny myself and live first and foremost for the glory of God and through Him blessing others.  That’s not only hard, but it stinks when I realize how selfish I am.

“The mystery of God’s love is that in this sameness we discover our uniqueness.  That uniqueness has nothing to do with the ‘specialties’ we have to offer – that glitter like the artificial silver balls on a Christmas tree, but has everything to do with our most personal and most intimate relationship with God.  When we give up our desire to be different and experience ourselves as sinners without any right to special attention, only then is there space to encounter our God who calls us by our own name and invites us into His intimacy.”  Again, wow.  I am deeply loved and desired by God.  GOD!  The creator of the universe and One in all power and control – of everything!!  And I trade that daily for what?  A proverbial pat on the back from myself or perhaps someone else?  I am deeply rooted in Christ, but don’t always produce fruit that displays that.

Psalm 63.  Everything about it has also been heavy on my heart.  Verse by verse, there is such raw passion and desire for the Lord for who He is and for the sake of knowing Him.  I have discovered more and more that there is a big difference between knowing about God and knowing God.  And I definitely need and desire to know God.

The Handi*Camp Reflections-
~Being stripped raw of my confidence and people skills at orientation was really hard, but really good. Walking into a tight-knit family like that humbled me to the core and has continued to do so. God used that to knock me to my knees in prayer right away. A good thing.

~I was, and still am, struck by the beauty of God all around. I saw it best in the stillness of Nature, the laughter of the campers, the gentle touch of the staff, the difficult and awkward moments turned joyful, and the sound of spontaneous worship throughout camp.

~People surprise me. I tend to label people as well as judge them. When I peel away the label and take the time to see who God has made them to be, I am always pleasantly surprised

~Serving and caring for people is hard. It can be messy, awkward, smelly, painful, back-breaking, and down right exhausting. But then I have to slap myself and remember that it’s not about me at all. It’s about being God’s vessel in a tangible way to others – and HE gives all the strength you need to continue on. (Journal excerpt) “I want to love and serve like crazy – being the dirty hands and feet of Jesus to theses angels God put here on earth; the angels who society has neglected and ignored. They are the beautiful, meek, compassionate, and joyful children of the Lord we should all hope to be and love.”

~Apparently white squirrels view me as kin

~During orientation we practiced games and tasks from the point of view of our campers. We were often given different disabilities (blindness, non-communication, physical limitations, etc…) and then told to work together for a task or game. It helped me to develop a greater sense of empathy and understanding for people. If we all took the time to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes (or braces…), how different would our perspective be on the lives of those around us as well as our own? I need to work on that a lot….

~The campers had such simple faith in the Lord. They only know that Jesus is their best friend. And that’s all they need to know. It’s refreshing in comparison to all of our thoughts/debates/noise about God. This was a harder lesson than I thought, but one I treasure deeply.

~The gospel is NOT complicated. Most Christians accept Christ as children. Why do we assume people can’t understand? We must never give up on someone when it comes to sharing the gospel. God can open anyone’s mind and heart to His understanding.

~Camp Chapel was a pure glimpse into heaven. Period. Witnessing arms and hands that can barely reach beyond heads lifted high in worship; Clapping that is not quite on beat but ever so joyful; and Voices that can only be understood by God, raised in a joyful  noise to their creator.  I have never seen or heard anything more beautiful.

~Concrete thinking is a good and bad thing

~If you’re ever lifting a person, and you do it the wrong way, it hurts. A lot.

~People take patience and understanding. Working with people with disabilities forces you to be honest when you don’t understand, and dig a little deeper to have that connection and conversation. I wish I would be that intentional in my listening with everyone.

~Satan attacks hard while we grow. And it stinks. But God is sovereign and kicks butt

~The campers have such a dedicated and bold faith that isn’t hindered by our worldly disabilities. We are concerned with self-images, reputations, social norms, and tolerance. We don’t ever proclaim what’s on our mind, let alone talk about our relationship with Jesus. What is the real disability?

Here are some visual glimpses into Handi*Camp

Helping MaryAnne in Archery

Awesome catch during a game!!

Batting with Dana - my camper week 5

B!! My dear friend, roomate, and fellow bible teacher

My class week 4 - learning about Jonah

My boys Bible Class Week 4

Me and one of my favorite new friends, Kurt, playing some Croquet!

Dana and I (week 5)

Trip to the Shore - I was with Jenny and Noelle

Some of us who went to Sight and Sound in Lancaster, PA

It was such a joy to have Anthony, Allison, and Timothy come to cook!! (with the blessing of Laura and Isabella!)

Service Staff - what a great group

Some of my favorite boys

The Malaga site was famous for white squirrels!!

Another favorite Boy

Some favorite girls

Now with that said, the unknown is often a scary thing.  God doesn’t promise a safe and happy future filled with comfort an ease, in fact, He says the opposite will end up happening.  But we are assured of His continual presence, guidance, and peace.  I have clung to that hope the past few weeks as things in my family have changed.  About 5 weeks ago, my parents told me that my Dad had a routine colonoscopy that his job required, and during the procedure they found and removed two small masses.  They told me not to worry, since the chances of it being cancerous were 2%, and being a 98% chance of nothing was pretty much a sure thing.  However, I didn’t have peace at all about the situation and even contacted some of my close friends to be in prayer for the situation.  I was at camp (which I’ll write about soon) at the time and was busy, but prayerful.  The 5th week, out of 6, my parents came to pick up my younger brother who had worked there too week 5.  They sat us down and told us the news.  My dad has colon cancer.  One of the masses turned out to be cancerous, though very early.  It’s a strange moment in your life, when someone so close tells you something like that.  I had a wave of emotions run through me instantly – uncertainty, sadness, and pain.  But just as swiftly as the bad emotions came, even more powerful were the feelings of hope, compassion, and above all – peace.

To say the least, I was shocked at the measure of hope and peace that I found myself experiencing.  The peace was overwhelming and very real.  Yes, it was very sad and painful at the time and I cried substantially, but through it all I was internally fine.  Good even.  I was confused about that peace, to be honest.  I was under the impression that when something like this happens you break down, fall into someones arms, and wallow for days.  At least, that’s what the world tells you what is supposed to happen.  Cookie-dough ice-cream and tissues galore, right?  I am so eternally grateful to the Lord for so many things in this life.  At this particular season though?  The unshakable haven that He has been for me and my family.  John 14:27 says “I leave you peace; my peace I give you. I do not give it to you as the world does. So don’t let your hearts be troubled or afraid.”  How amazing is that?!  Seriously – simply spectacular!!!

So how’s my dad?  He had surgery on July 9th to remove the part of his colon where the cancer was found.  They took out 13 inches and the surgeon said the surgery was textbook and the area was very clean – Praise God!  It was a 3 hour surgery, and that was probably one of the longer 3 hours of my life.  He was in the hospital until this past Sunday, July 12th when he was discharged early.  He’s healing and home.  During his stay in the hospital, my family and I were there through it all – but so were many others.  My dad is the sort of guy that visits you in the hospital.  Ok, so my dad is the sort of guy who has visited literally everyone in the hospital.  He loves just being there and loving on people in that way – it’s a blessing he gets from the Lord and gladly uses whenever he can.  Now it was his turn, and I was so overjoyed with the number of visitors, calls, and cards he received.  To see the hands and feet of Jesus in the eyes of those who visited just to shake his hand was humbling and overwhelming.  We truly felt drenched in prayer as well!

There is nothing quite as amazing as feeling as though your brothers and sisters in Christ have your back!  People here in New Jersey surrounded us in support and prayer – and tons of people I met at camp and know and love in Minnesota have been so generous with their prayer, comments, calls, and general support.  I’ve cried more from the compassion I’ve seen in my friends and family than the cancerous situation!!  Some of my closest friends in Minnesota even recently sent me a “prayer bear” that many have hugged and prayed over before shipping all the way to Jersey.  I feel covered in the Father’s love via my friends and family – and am forever grateful for the tangible reminders of Christ’s unsurpassing love